control

Yesterday, I was watching Bridesmaids (for probably the 1000th time), and one scene stood out to me like it hadn't in the past. When Annie is super down in the dumps, and has lost a lot of her friends and had a total meltdown, she won't leave her house or get off the couch (for those of us that have seen Bridesmaids, remember her watching Castaway and crying "Oh wilson"). Her friend, Megan, comes over and persists to beat her up, telling her that she is life and is trying to get Annie to fight for her shitty life. The scene is absolutely hilarious, and that was what I usually focused on, but for the first time I actually thought about what was happening in the scene.

I don't know about any of the rest of you, but I have serious control issues. All of my issues stem from when I feel as though I am not in control. Though there are some lucky people out there that may not care about having control over their own lives, but I am one of those people that really does care about control. Its everything to me. When I feel like I've lost control of a situation, its easy for me, and many people, to spiral into a complete state of crazy. Its also easy to feel like things are out of your control. I am 23, and everything feels out of my control. I don't know where I am going to go to graduate school, I don't know when, I don't know what I am doing next year, or in 5 years.

For the first time in my life, I understand why the main character in Into the Wild wanted to disappear, and leave his life behind. In this day and age, we're told we can be whatever we want, do whatever we want, but, for me at least, this is more tremendous pressure than it is a reassurance that I'm going somewhere.

That is, until I start to realize how much is in my control. The reason the Bridesmaids scene stood out to me is because Annie is forced to fight back when her "life" (in this case, her large friend Megan) starts to beat her up. I then realized how much is actually in my control, because when life does that, I can fight back. I'm currently trying to figure out how to do that with the myriad of ways that I find my life slapping me around, but its at least a positive message that you can figure it out, right?